"I think the reason you're still single is because you shove all the nice guys, like me, who actually like you into the friend-zone. You just won't give me a chance, because I'm not enough of an asshole."
Let's just talk about THIS bullshit 'logic' right here. Because, for me, it ranks right up there with, "I just don't think you see what's right in front of you. I don't think you realize what you could have if you took the time to open your eyes to someone that could really treat you right..."
Wrong.
I DO see what's right in front of me. I mean, currently, it's a computer screen and Peyton Manning's fat forehead looming on my Dad's TV, but I do know what you're talking about when you start heading in that direction with the conversation. I feel the longing looks that you're shooting me, I understand the meaning behind the song you just turned on while we were driving in the car and I know that when we hug lately, you hold a little too tight. I also catch those epic sighs you heave whenever I talk about another guy.
I catch your motherfucking drift, homes.
But we are not going to date.
I know this, because I've been the one, mouthing Taylor Swift lyrics to myself in the mirror:
I used to think the reason that one of my guy friends (let's call him HomeSkillet) didn't like me was because he just couldn't see how awesome I was. Wrong. He was friends with me, because he thought I was awesome. He just didn't want to date me, because he wasn't attracted to me, either physically, romantically or both.
And instead of accepting this like a grown and rational being, I was miserable. I imagined that I was trapped in the 'Friend-Zone', which in my mind, looked similiar to the Island of Misfit Toys. Exiled there with a bunch of other dope bitches that no one ever really liked 'that' way, I spent my days trying to think of a way to escape the crushing blows of seeing him with other girls or worse, him asking me for help picking out presents or planning dates for other people.
And then, one day, I realized there was a LIFE-RAFT to escape on.
Actually, it's more like a yacht. A beautiful yacht, glistening in the sunlight, playing your favorite song over the loud speakers while your friends beckon with champagne from the top deck.
Yup, get onboard the SS Acceptance, bitches.
We're not going to date, just like I never dated HomeSkillet, because although, I think you're awesome, I don't think that we'd be awesome TOGETHER in a relationship.
Maybe, you remind me of an ex-boyfriend in a certain personality trait.
Maybe, I've seen the way you treat your girlfriends and it looks like a shit time.
Maybe, I know myself well enough to know that I'd be a bitch to you if we dated.
Maybe, I just don't want to have sex with you. Ever.
Maybe, I don't have anything more than my gut telling me that it would be a bad idea BUT I'm still not going to date you, because I like the friendship we have and I refuse to head into any relationship with doubts in the back of my mind. Life creates plenty of those, I don't need some starting out with someone, it's supposed to the honey-moon phase where all I want to do is kiss their face and bring them tacos.
Not where I'm trying to convince myself that it's a good idea.
So, as much as I think you're hilarious and smart and charming and nice and silly and just plain awesome, we're not going to date.
But back to the whole "you don't date 'nice' guys because you friend-zone them and you date bad boys because you like being with assholes" thing...
No one wants to be with an asshole.
Unless, they happen to also be assholes, in which case, they probably like dating someone that they have something so deeply in common with.
First off, let's tackle the whole assumption that I seek out assholes to date.
None of the guys that I've dated have ever walked up to me and said, "I'm a complete piece of crap. You know those CarFax things... well, if you got a RelationshipFax on me, you'd know that I've slept with three girls this year already named Ashley, I just got out of jail on a felony charge and I'm really into hard drugs. Want to hang out, anyways? Also, can I borrow twenty dollars?"
Cue the epic makeout scene.
Um, no.
I understand that I have dated my fair share (and everyone else's-let's be real) of douchelords and that SOME of that has been my fault. Yes, MY fault. I take ownership of the fact that in some situations, I didn't do the entirely logical thing (ie: running in the opposite direction) and I, instead, decided to give hoodrats a chance. Several chances, in some people's cases.
But I never entered into a relationship or a situation where I knew that the guy was an asshole from the jump-off. Normally, I find out later when the plot twists, a punchline is delivered and then I hurry back here to type out all the pain and humiliation here in comedic form for all of you.
Aside from me not trying to actively seek out assholes to take me on dates (or stand me up for dates, as the case may be), I really don't understand the whole 'nice' guy concept. Because I know lots of nice guys, but they are not nice guys that I'd like to date.
More on this later, I'm not really sure I have the energy to delve into the 'nice' guy craziness now.
But for the record, I don't LIKE dating assholes.
I'm never super excited when I realize the guy I'm talking to is actually a social degenerate.
And despite everyone treating my singledom like a Scooby Doo mystery, I am telling you now that the villian is not me. At least, it's not my lack of understanding that good guys exist in this world. I know that 'nice' guys exist. Some of my ex-boyfriends are actually pretty nice guys. But would I ever date those clowns again? Hell no.
Even Dawson Leery's whiny ass knows that we're friends for a reason, and he's the King of Friend-Zone Crying and making me want to punch a television screen. (Sidenote: I am referencing Dawson's Creek, you should be grateful that I don't want to date you)
We're friends for a reason.
I love y'all.
But either, you'd drive me crazy in a relationship or I'd bug the shit outta you and I'm trying to save both of us that hellish experience :)
"but... I really think I'm in love with you. I don't think you know what we'd be like together until we try it. I just don't think you can give up on true love. I think we're soulmates..."
Soulmates?
xoxox kayt.
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