Homie Hopper ♥

I had known Homie Hopper basically all of my life. Back in the day, he was just another one of my mom's friend's dirty little kids that ran around in our backyard like a hooligan. At the time, I was far more interested in which one of the members of NSync was inevitably going to sweep me off my little jelly-wearing feet and I paid little to no attention to him. Little did I know that this particular ragamuffin would turn out to actually be hot. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across him as a 'Person I Might Know' on Facebook and realized that he had grown up to be tall, tan and toned.

I sent him a Friend Request, he added me, Facebook chat happened and eventually, numbers got exchanged. Modern romance is so beautiful.

We talked occasionally but it wasn't until much later when I was visiting Iowa on a random 'runaway from my life and everything in it' fall trip that I thought about meeting up with him and seeing if there was some truth to my theory that Midwest boys were better than Arizona boys.

Sidenote: This is not the case, as far as I can tell, they all seem equally douchey and dangerous, just paler in the winter.

Regardless, we started flirting more and more when the idea of us meeting up the weekend I was back seemed like it was actually going to happen and I was excited. He was still up in the college town where he was going to school, but I had friends that also went to school up there and figured I could swing going up there to party for a night. The big group setting made me feel a little bit better about randomly meeting up with someone I hadn't seen since I was lip-synching to the Spice Girls on my old back porch.

I also had managed to pull together an effortlessly cute hoodie-scarf-cuddle-me-now outfit that I felt fantastic in. This bitch had plans.

Two nights before I was headed to see him, I got together with one of my best friends that I'd known since basically second grade. Sipping on a beer and laughing, we were talking about life, love and lust when I admitted that I was heading up to that college town in a few nights. When she asked why, I asked if she remembered him from back in the day. Trying to not spit out her beer, she got really big eyes and said, "You guys have been talking?"

"Not like 'talking'... but I know he doesn't have a girlfriend or anything. We've been planning me coming up to see him for awhile now," I admitted, "Why?"

"I saw him like two weeks ago at a football game after party.. and we hooked up," she admitted, "He KNOWS we're friends. We talked about you, but he didn't tell me you guys talked at all. He's seriously trying to hook up with you within like two weeks of hooking up with me?"

In true detective fashion, we grabbed another round of beers and texted him from my phone, being sugary sweet and nice. Within seconds, we got a flirty text back and I eventually wound the conversation around to that particular football game. Innocently, I asked if he'd run into my bestie while he was there, because I knew she'd gone to that game. Five minutes later, I received: hey baby, im gonna go to bed but ill talk to u tomorrow-cant wait to c u.

That was a test, motherfucker:

Later the next day, I told him that I wasn't coming up to see him and that I didn't particularly want to see him EVER since he evidently thought it was okay to bang one of my childhood best friends and then try to take me on a date.

His response?

"Didn't you guys share toys when you were kids?"

 

We literally died laughing. I mean, I would be more offended by the whole thing, but I was just so amazed that someone actually thought some bullshit backwardsass logic was going to get me to go, "Oh my gosh, you're right. I DID lend her my Ken doll for a whole sleepover so yeah, never mind...let's hook up!"

No, bro.

No.

I really don't understand why boys think they'll ever get away with this. I mean, I suppose some guys do. But honestly with the sheer volume of words that me and my best friends exchange, you think you're not going to come up at all?

Homie Hopping is bad manners. Regardless of whether or not you're officially 'with' the first girl you're hooking up with, trying to hook up with one of her best friends two weeks later is nasty. Especially since you were being shady about it. We compared text messages, homie, you're not original. We were sitting next to each other, laughing so hard we were crying, while you double-dipped on all your compliments and tried to remember which one of us had blue eyes and which one of us had brown.

Ain't no party like a homie hopper party, because a homie hopper party will get you knocked in the jaw. For real. As soon as I get on a step-ladder cuz homeboy is tall :)