Fiddle-Dee-Dee ♥ Ex-Almosts

A few days ago, I saw a picture of an ex-almost (I haven't had an ex-BOYFRIEND in like four years but ex-almosts? Pshht... I got a million of those hoodrats) and was like... DAMN. For about five seconds, I was just really proud of myself for, at one point in time, making out with the beautiful boy in that picture. No joke, he's the unfair kind of James Dean gorgeous, just enough rough around the edges to mean trouble. Then, I remembered that due to a series of ridiculously predictable events, we no longer speak and therefore, we also no longer make out.

Fiddle-dee-fucking-dee.

Granted, it definitely wasn't meant to be between us. He turned out to be a not-so-nice person who is apparently completely incapable of communicating like an adult... but still, he's really pretty. 

That's the thing...they're ALL really pretty, my ex-almosts. They're all just also morally bankrupt.

And the ones that AREN'T morally bankrupt spend most of their time with me PRETENDING to be morally bankrupt until one day, I accidentally trick them into acting like human beings and FEELING something. I swear, I can normally physically see the fear flicker across their faces. The second they feel any stirring of emotion in their twisted little black hearts, they run away so fast I'm surprised there's not a permanent douchebag shaped hole in my apartment door. 

This conversation between me and one of my besties pretty much sums it up:

Claire: He's not talking to you at all?

Me: No. It's like they come to a crossroads where there's a happy light at the end of the tunnel and another one filled with drugs and hookers. They veer hard to the right. Strippers and cocaine over stability.

Claire: What a strange phenomenon.

Me: It really is.

Claire: Maybe, that tunnel also has candy. Candy and the allure of all-that-ness.

Me: If by 'candy', you mean 'vagina', then yes.

Mostly, this doesn't even bother me anymore. About said homeboys picture, I still do occasionally get sad that he no longer puts his face on my face. Although, I'm trying my best to channel my inner DGAF Pooh Bear:

On a sidenote, I did recently look up some of them (the ex-almosts) in the Iowa court system and I'm running like a 95% of guys that I've kissed having a criminal record. Probably closer to 99%. I think I'm going to start running people's names through the Iowa Court website before I even attempt to go on a date.

Sorry for the short post :) I've been REALLY busy lately BUT I will get back on track with this blog. I think I even know the next person to be sacrificed to the Interwebs Hall of Infamy :) get ready, boys...

You may all think I'm a bitch, sometimes, but you know what: