First off, I want to apologize to you little heathens for not writing in a couple of months. It is NEVER intentional for me to neglect your sweet little selves. But I do have to occasionally do other things with my life, like working at a job that actually pays me and going to visit my family in the dirty South... which brings me to the first bit of news for you all. I had another ridiculously random 'hey, we totally used to make out' encounter and it was on an effing airplane. You know, the enclosed kind that you can't escape and where everyone in the entire cabin can hear every awkward word uttered between the two of you? Yup, that kind.
I was minding my own damn business on a short connection flight when the flight attendants started to move up the row, taking drink orders and passing out snacks. I was, needless to say, stoked about honey roasted peanuts AND pretzels, plus I had drink coupons so I was trying to think of the most classy thing to order while flying (bitch got a Budlight... again, pure CLASS) when I heard the flight attendant ask what I'd like to drink and looked up to see: THE LOST LUMBERJACK.
The Lost Lumberjack was a very brief flame from my early college days. By brief, I mean, the spark of a match that never really catches fire because you realize that you didn't even really want to burn that candle because it probably smells like ass and daisies. An assy field full of daises.
He was the cute male RA in my dorm and I ran into him at a party in the woods right after a particularly heinous break up with a douchebag from college past. Call me a hopeless romantic but the stars were out, the pine trees were swaying in the breeze and there was a guy holding his girlfriend's hair back while she puked by the fire.... can you feeeeel the loooove tonight? And yes, that was a Lion King reference because I am a goddamn adult.
I said something snarky about his plaid shirt. He said something snarky about being up past my bedtime. We made out for 20 minutes and then did awkward avoidance dances in the hallway the rest of the semester when he started dating my RA. I actually think the last time I saw him was me saluting him sneaking out of her room. Gotta love college.
Needless to say, I did not expect to see him ever again. Certainly not five years later, in full flight attendant gear, while handing me a bag of pretzels and asking me if I'd like an extra napkin. We both did a REALLY strange smile, pump-fake wave/hug/ohmygodwhyisthisevenhappening.
I swear, this shit only happens to me. And of course it happens to me when I'm in mismatched sweats, shoving pretzels in my face with my hair in such a voluminous state of cray that the TSA lady actually had to FEEL it to make sure that I wasn't concealing a weapon within its depths.
Typical.
Anyways, the topic of THIS post is going to be about the different kinds of couples that I've encountered over the past 23 years of my life because I feel like some of them might just be universal.
1. The couple that no one wants to be around (because they don't even want to be around each other)
It's easily one of my biggest pet peeves. It's the couple that absolutely cannot stand each other but for whatever sick reason, they stay together FOREVER anyways and suck all the sunshine and happiness around them. They're the black hole couple.
They make subtle jabs at each other during regular conversations, talk shit behind each other's backs and always get in dramatic fights at group gatherings, which inevitably lead to the: should we break up or should we stay together? debate... and although, ten thousand people are screaming in unison 'YES BREAK THE HELL UP'.. they fall in love all over again just long enough to want to kill each other the next weekend.
You know these people.
I was sitting at a friend's barbeque, sipping on a glass of sangria when I heard the rumblings of the typical Rock Em Sock Em romance clusterfuck start beside me. Individually, these people were really cool. They were both funny, smart and outgoing people that I actually enjoyed being around... separately. But together? They were hell to hang out with.
They'd shown up to the party about an hour after everyone else and instead of leaving whatever drama they'd been dealing with at the door, they dragged its stinking rotten corpse into the middle of the gathering to ruin everyone's time.
"Now, who are you texting?"
Silence
"Excuse me, who the fuck are you texting?"
Silence
"Is he seriously ignoring me right now? HELLO, dickhead that I CALL my boyfriend, who the fuck just texted you?!?"
I particularly hate this part, because they try to involve you in the shenanigans.
"Wow, can you believe that my boyfriend won't tell me who he's texting? Wouldn't you be upset if your BOYFRIEND was keeping shit from you?"
Luckily for me as I was taking another LARGE sip of my wine, he erupted with, "You're really going to talk like this to me in front of all of our friends? You're going to make a big fucking scene because I texted another girl? Really? Here, read my fucking phone then if you're going to keep bitching about it!"
He then slammed down his phone on the table. Three seconds later, she tossed an insult and the rest of her drink at him before running inside, sobbing.
This is when the inevitable splitting of the sexes happened.
The boys moved to one side of the table while Homeboy wiped off the side of his face and went into an impassioned tirade about her 'jealous and crazy bullshit' and the girls went inside to knock on the bathroom door for twenty minutes so they could fix her makeup and tell her that it's 'totally justifiable to be upset' when he's clearly disrespecting their relationship via text message.
Buzz. Kill.
All couples fight. That's not the issue. The issue is that these couples don't do anything BUT fight.
Great rule to follow: if you can't stand being around your significant other for five minutes without wanting to punch them in the face, call them a name or catalogue all their faults in a public forum with all of your friends.... BREAK. THE. HELL. UP.
2. The couple that you don't want to be around because one is a creeper
I've only really had this experience ONCE... but let me tell you, once was certainly enough. One of my good friends was bringing her new man around to meet the crew and while the drinks were flowing and everyone was feeling friendly, New Guy was feeling a little bit too inspired.
While I was in the kitchen to check on the status of my charging phone (because if you know me, that shit is always ten seconds away from complete death), he walked in to grab another drink from the fridge.
"So, where's your boyfriend?" he questioned.
"No boyfriend? But you're so beautiful. Prefer girls?" he quipped, "That's hot."
"No, I just kinda like being single," I provided.
"Yeah, I miss being single sometimes. I mean, relationship sex is good but sometimes you just miss that random sex, ya know?"
In my head: no, I don't know. I don't know LOTS of things, like why you would tell me something like that when you're in a relationship with one of my best friends. Who will swiftly be dumping your ass. As soon as I get out of this damn kitchen.
Leaning against the fridge, he smiled drunkenly, "Have you ever had a threesome?"
"No."
"Never even thought about it?" Wink.
Nope. But I just thought of three different ways to maim you with the contents of my purse.
Creeper Status.
Not all cases are this extreme. There's the uncomfortable little comments they make, the flirty little vibes they send or the random touchy moments when their girlfriends aren't looking. Super disgusting and an awkward conversation to navigate with the friend that is dating said creeper & can't imagine their 'babe' touching your knee under the table or sending you a random text message after midnight. Luckily, if your friend is intelligent OR you're just really persistent:
And I have never been more glad to be completely WRONG.
We drank, we talked, we laughed, we ate ridiculous amounts of nachos...
They're the couple that you can have an amazing time with because they were amazing together, funny and cute, but they could also function apart. Joseph went to go pay his tab, Sophie and I joked around and talked like we'd known each other for years. Sophie ran to the bathroom, Joseph and I discussed the good old days full of house parties with chickens roaming the backyard. Sure, there were still sickeningly sweet moments when they gazed into each other's eyes but... if I'm being honest, they both have REALLY pretty eyes so who can blame them? It's so hard to look away:
The main commonality that I find with all of the couples that I like to be around is: they GENUINELY like each other. Now, that may seem simple, but think of all the couples you know that don't really like each other, might like someone else, are settling because they're bored... or just don't know what they want.
You see, I'm like a goddamn newborn baby with couples. If there's tension, turmoil, doubt or distrust in the damn air, I'm gonna be a colicky son of a gun. I'm a product of my surroundings, which is why I would like to take the time to thank the couples that routinely restore my faith in love/relationships:
COUPLE HALL OF FAME:
Carly and Jeff: the success-story couple who have proved to me that you can overcome a whole bunch of bullshit and still be crazy about each other. they also created my future flower-girl who is the best of both of them. you can't beat that.
Casady and Jeff: the chillest/sweetest couple I know. they always work together as a team & their wedding was the first one where I actually sobbed. I ugly-cried in the prettiest dress I've ever worn because I was genuinely happy for them.
Lindsay and Jeff: proof that long-distance can work and that you can fall in love with your best friend. the most independent yet totally cute couple i know.
Lauren and Jason: the most hilarious couple I know. they are the ones that can always make me laugh, it's like a stand-up comedy routine being around them & sometimes I file away their banter in my head to use for a screenplay someday (sorry I'm not sorry).
Claire and Brian: the couple that makes the most sense to me. they're just good people that deserve something good & the fact that they found it with each other is just plain awesome. also, I take full credit for setting them up so 10 points for me.
THERE ARE SO MANY MORE: like chad and katrina, nicole and brandon, rosemary and dylan (ADORE THEM)...
And finally:
Joseph and Sophie: the best time I've ever had out with a couple. you crazy kids are my favorite couple to party with & I'm annoyingly happy that you met each other... come to the Midwest right MEOW.
That's all for now, dears. I have to go investigate the current level of shitshow snow that is piling up my car right now. Winter is seriously trying to test me but you know what, I got Diet Coke, I got pop-tarts, I have Netflix and an ice scraper:
SIDENOTE: apparently, the cool thing among my friends is to date someone named jeff. jesusssss.
Great rule to follow: if you can't stand being around your significant other for five minutes without wanting to punch them in the face, call them a name or catalogue all their faults in a public forum with all of your friends.... BREAK. THE. HELL. UP.
2. The couple that you don't want to be around because one is a creeper
I've only really had this experience ONCE... but let me tell you, once was certainly enough. One of my good friends was bringing her new man around to meet the crew and while the drinks were flowing and everyone was feeling friendly, New Guy was feeling a little bit too inspired.
While I was in the kitchen to check on the status of my charging phone (because if you know me, that shit is always ten seconds away from complete death), he walked in to grab another drink from the fridge.
"So, where's your boyfriend?" he questioned.
"No boyfriend? But you're so beautiful. Prefer girls?" he quipped, "That's hot."
"No, I just kinda like being single," I provided.
"Yeah, I miss being single sometimes. I mean, relationship sex is good but sometimes you just miss that random sex, ya know?"
In my head: no, I don't know. I don't know LOTS of things, like why you would tell me something like that when you're in a relationship with one of my best friends. Who will swiftly be dumping your ass. As soon as I get out of this damn kitchen.
Leaning against the fridge, he smiled drunkenly, "Have you ever had a threesome?"
"No."
"Never even thought about it?" Wink.
Nope. But I just thought of three different ways to maim you with the contents of my purse.
Creeper Status.
Not all cases are this extreme. There's the uncomfortable little comments they make, the flirty little vibes they send or the random touchy moments when their girlfriends aren't looking. Super disgusting and an awkward conversation to navigate with the friend that is dating said creeper & can't imagine their 'babe' touching your knee under the table or sending you a random text message after midnight. Luckily, if your friend is intelligent OR you're just really persistent:
3. The couple that everyone wants to be around/be
This is my favorite kind of couple because you actually ENJOY their presence in your life. It's the couple that when the inevitable engagement ring picture pops up in your Facebook feed, you don't feel the need to take bets on how long it's going to last. Instead, you're like, 'Damn, I better be invited to that wedding'
I have lots of married couples that I adore (shout-out to my matrimonial inclined: casady&jeff, brandon&nicole, katrina&chad) and even more unmarried couples that I legit enjoy spending time with.
On my recent trip down to the dirty Southwest (where I have a former fling in every burrito shop), I saw one of my very best guy friends Joseph. Since I was sixteen, he's been around to make me laugh, listen to all my ridiculous love life adventures and dispense unwanted (but extremely necessary) tough love. See, you guys, I'm perfectly capable of having a solid friendship with a male that doesn't end in disaster:
When Joseph told me about his new girlfriend Sophie that he wanted me to meet, I was excited, because I could tell from the way he talked that he was crazy about her, but I was a little worried I would end up as a third wheel when we hung out.
And I have never been more glad to be completely WRONG.
We drank, we talked, we laughed, we ate ridiculous amounts of nachos...
They're the couple that you can have an amazing time with because they were amazing together, funny and cute, but they could also function apart. Joseph went to go pay his tab, Sophie and I joked around and talked like we'd known each other for years. Sophie ran to the bathroom, Joseph and I discussed the good old days full of house parties with chickens roaming the backyard. Sure, there were still sickeningly sweet moments when they gazed into each other's eyes but... if I'm being honest, they both have REALLY pretty eyes so who can blame them? It's so hard to look away:
The main commonality that I find with all of the couples that I like to be around is: they GENUINELY like each other. Now, that may seem simple, but think of all the couples you know that don't really like each other, might like someone else, are settling because they're bored... or just don't know what they want.
You see, I'm like a goddamn newborn baby with couples. If there's tension, turmoil, doubt or distrust in the damn air, I'm gonna be a colicky son of a gun. I'm a product of my surroundings, which is why I would like to take the time to thank the couples that routinely restore my faith in love/relationships:
COUPLE HALL OF FAME:
Carly and Jeff: the success-story couple who have proved to me that you can overcome a whole bunch of bullshit and still be crazy about each other. they also created my future flower-girl who is the best of both of them. you can't beat that.
Casady and Jeff: the chillest/sweetest couple I know. they always work together as a team & their wedding was the first one where I actually sobbed. I ugly-cried in the prettiest dress I've ever worn because I was genuinely happy for them.
Lindsay and Jeff: proof that long-distance can work and that you can fall in love with your best friend. the most independent yet totally cute couple i know.
Lauren and Jason: the most hilarious couple I know. they are the ones that can always make me laugh, it's like a stand-up comedy routine being around them & sometimes I file away their banter in my head to use for a screenplay someday (sorry I'm not sorry).
Claire and Brian: the couple that makes the most sense to me. they're just good people that deserve something good & the fact that they found it with each other is just plain awesome. also, I take full credit for setting them up so 10 points for me.
THERE ARE SO MANY MORE: like chad and katrina, nicole and brandon, rosemary and dylan (ADORE THEM)...
And finally:
Joseph and Sophie: the best time I've ever had out with a couple. you crazy kids are my favorite couple to party with & I'm annoyingly happy that you met each other... come to the Midwest right MEOW.
That's all for now, dears. I have to go investigate the current level of shitshow snow that is piling up my car right now. Winter is seriously trying to test me but you know what, I got Diet Coke, I got pop-tarts, I have Netflix and an ice scraper:
SIDENOTE: apparently, the cool thing among my friends is to date someone named jeff. jesusssss.
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