Boys in Bars

Let's just get THIS out of the way right now. I don't go to bars to meet boys. I go to bars because they encourage two of my very favorite things: drinking and dancing. Also, people-watching is a full-time hobby of mine and the only thing better than watching sober people interact is watching DRUNK people interact. I also find something vaguely romantic about bar bathroom graffiti. It soothes me. Regardless, whenever people are trying to solve the 'Kaytlyn is still single' dilemma (everyone cue the singing nuns...how do you solve a problem like a single girrrrrl? how do you teach her classy lady waaaaaaays?), they all seem to have an 'aha!' moment when they figure out that I go to bars.
It's like a light bulb magically goes off above their heads and they lean in with somber expressions and big sad eyes, "Well, honey, that's why. You're never going to meet a quality guy at a bar. Ever."

I call.... BULLSHIT. And so does the Dowager. She's having none of your plebian nonsense.

First off, I know people who met their spouses in a bar. I also know someone who met their spouse in an alley. And someone who met their husband because he literally ran into her while riding his longboard on campus. Like knocked her to the ground and left a wheel imprint on her leg. And they LOVE each other. So, I find it really hard to believe that something as trivial as location matters THAT much.

Secondly, I AM a quality girl and I go to bars. So, I highly doubt that there are no quality guys that also frequent the same establishments I do. In fact, I think the reason most girls assume they won't ever meet someone in a bar that they could see themselves with long-term is because they half-expect Prince Charming to still look like this:

We were raised on all this Disney princess shit so we don't really expect to meet 'the one' while he's holding a Jack Daniels on the rocks and checking out girls with his buddies. Update your fairy-tale, people, update.your.fairytale... DGAF Cinderella hears the nonsense you're spitting out about meeting the love of your life in the library and she's calling bullshit just like the Dowager:

I'm not saying I think I'm GOING to meet someone awesome at a bar, I'm just saying that I wouldn't ever rule it out just because he happens to like to party.

The real reason I think it's been almost impossible for me to meet someone of quality at a bar is because of all the other shenanigans that seems to find me while I'm there. Without further ado, I now present:

Shit Boys Have Said To Me At Bars

I'm not really sure if it's the alcohol, the confidence boost they get being around their friends or just general douchebaggery.. but whatever the reason, boys in bars do say some of the most ridiculous things to me. Ranging from shockingly offensive to just mildly annoying, stuff rarely surprises me anymore.

Like the guy that walked up to me, looked around my group of friends and then leaned in to whisper in my ear, "So, you're the fat friend, huh? It's cool, I'm down with that."

Because I am classy and didn't want to spill my drink, I just smiled REALLY big and put my hand up for a high-five. He smiled back, high-fived me and then, I said, "Hey, tell your mom she did a GREAT job raising you. She must be really proud."

Another personal favorite of mine is when I winced while being blinded by the rhinestones on some guys Ed Hardy shirt and he did a dramatic chest swell and said, "You like?"

When I rolled my eyes and said that it was "very hot" sarcastically, he went on to try to explain that it's a lifestyle and not just a style. In case anyone is wondering, it's physically impossible to drown yourself in a beer glass. I tried. But instead of death by Budlight, I settled for giving him the best stink face I could manage until he shook his head and walked off to find someone else to spread the gospel to. Moment of silence for the next poor girl that he found to blind.

I've also dealt with someone who literally couldn't remember that he'd met me ten minutes earlier, used the same pick-up line and got shot down again. After I reminded him that, in fact, we had already had this conversation about my 'beautiful brown eyes' (they're blue), he squinted a little bit and said, "I know, I know. I was just trying to give you another opportunity with me. I don't think you really meant to shoot me down before. You'd be missing out on all of this..."

Long awkward pause.

Me, "No, I still think that I'm okay. Thank you, though. You have a really good night."

Him, "I'll talk to you a little bit later on then."

Homeboy came back up to me when I was walking OUT of the bar, holding a hotdog (sidenote: they sell them right outside of the bar at a cart so this isn't as creepy and random as it sounds) and asks me if I want a bite of his weiner. His friends then proceeded to giggle for about ten minutes. Well, to be fair, that's a rough time estimate since I walked straight past him and never looked back at his mustard-stained little face.

This is all I ask, boys... Follow these three simple rules:

Stay excellent & stay tuned. At some point, I will do a Arizona versus Iowa bar scene analysis for your entertainment.

xoxo